Relationship Advice From The Experienced

When I myself got married nearly three years ago, I requested advice from some of the more experienced attendees at the wedding reception, in order to ensure that my wife and I would not make the same mistakes in our own relationship. I believe that many newlyweds will have done the same, seeking advice on relationships, and not merely avoiding the pitfalls of inexperience.

However, given my access to a vast network of discerning individuals through my website, I reasoned that I could extend this to a broader audience. I thus posed a question to my readership: might they offer counsel on matters of relationship and marital guidance? Might I synthesise their collective wisdom and experience into a compendium of principles applicable to all relationships?

The following question was posed: individuals who have been married for a minimum of 10 years and are currently content in their relationship were invited to share their insights. Specifically, the participants were asked to identify the lessons they would impart to others, to discuss the aspects of their relationship that are functioning well, and to identify the aspects of their relationship that were not successful in the past.

The response was overwhelming, with almost 1,500 individuals providing responses, many of which spanned multiple pages rather than paragraphs. The task of reviewing these responses was arduous, but the insights gained were profound.

Firstly, the responses were replete with redundancy.

This is not intended as an insult; indeed, it is the opposite, and it is a relief.The responses were provided by intelligent and articulate individuals from a variety of backgrounds, geographical locations, and experiences, including both history and misfortune, as well as notable achievements. However, despite their diverse individual narratives, the respondents' messages were, to a considerable extent, consistent in their content.

This observation suggests that these common themes must be of significant importance, and their efficacy is evident.

1. Be in a relationship for the right reasons.

Prior to delving into the recommended course of action for one's own relationship, it is imperative to first address the actions to be avoided.

It is imperative to avoid entering into a relationship under duress, whether from external pressures or personal convictions.For instance, the first marriage was entered into due to the prevailing cultural and religious expectations of the Catholic upbringing, yet it proved to be a misstep. The subsequent marriage was initiated due to a state of desolation and solitude, leading to the misguided belief that a spouse could remedy one's personal deficiencies. It took three attempts to ascertain what should have been evident from the outset: the only reason one should be with the person they are with is because they love being around them.

—Greg

In the course of my research, I sought the insights of individuals who had been married on multiple occasions, specifically those who had experienced unsuccessful marriages.

The predominant response highlighted that the primary error was the pursuit of relationships driven by misguided motivations.

The following were some of the incorrect motivations cited:

The influence of friends and family.

The perception of being a "loser" due to being in a state of being single and settling for the first individual encountered.

The decision to enter into a relationship based on superficial appearances or perceived societal norms, rather than mutual admiration and compatibility.

Another prevalent response was the influence of youth and naivety, leading to a state of infatuation, and the misguided belief that love would resolve all issues.

The role of relationship advice in the context of long-term relationships has also been highlighted, with the advice proffered in such contexts being distinguished from that typically found in popular culture.

The crux of a relationship's sustainability and happiness lies in the depth and authenticity of mutual admiration. Absent this fundamental element, the relationship is destined to falter.

Another erroneous rationale for embarking on a relationship, as articulated by Greg, pertains to the pursuit of personal healing through the medium of another's affection. This inclination, predicated on the utilisation of another's emotional investment as a means of ameliorating one's own emotional distress, often culminates in a codependent dynamic characterised by an implicit accord to employ mutual affection as a veil to obscure self-directed discontent. The concept of codependence will be elaborated upon subsequently; for the present, it is sufficient to recognise that love, in itself, is neither beneficial nor detrimental. Its nature is contingent upon the reasons and the manner in which it is exchanged between individuals. It is important to emphasise that, in and of itself, love is not sufficient to ensure the longevity of a relationship.

It is possible to extricate oneself from a relationship that is detrimental to one's well-being by utilising the knowledge provided in a complimentary mini course on attachment styles.

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Secondly, it is essential to cultivate realistic expectations concerning relationships and romance.

It is important to recognise that the intensity of feelings experienced in the early stages of a relationship is not a sign of a healthy relationship. The concept of a 'happily ever after' is often unrealistic and can create expectations that are difficult to fulfil. This can result in disappointment when these expectations are not met, leading to the perception that the relationship has failed. It is important to recognise that there will be periods of time, ranging from days to weeks or even longer, when feelings of affection and intimacy may be less intense. During such times, it is common to experience a sense of disillusionment or even disconnection from one's partner. However, it is essential to understand that such feelings are a natural part of any relationship and should not be viewed as a sign of relationship failure. However, it is important to recognise that persevering through such periods is ultimately worthwhile. Eventually, a profound sense of affection will once again overwhelm, leading to a deep and abiding love that may feel overwhelming in its intensity. It is crucial to acknowledge that a living relationship is in a constant state of flux, expanding, contracting, mellowing and deepening. It is essential to recognise that a relationship will not remain static; it will evolve in its own unique way, and this evolution is not necessarily a negative process.If more couples were to comprehend this concept, it could potentially reduce the tendency to panic and resort to premature breakups or divorces.

—Paula

Historically, love was regarded as a form of madness, with parents cautioning their offspring against its pursuit and adults expediting marital arrangements to ensure prudence and rationality in decision-making.

This is due to the fact that, while love can induce feelings of elation and euphoria, akin to the effects of cocaine, it can also lead to irrational decision-making.It is not uncommon to encounter individuals who, in the pursuit of romantic fulfilment, make significant life changes, such as dropping out of school or selling their possessions to fund an impulsive trip, often to locations like Tahiti. However, it is equally evident that such individuals often find themselves in a state of disrepair a few years later, having squandered their assets and no longer in possession of the financial wherewithal to rectify their situation.

The Shakespearean tragedy of Romeo and Juliet is regarded as a comedic narrative.

The phenomenon of unbridled love can be interpreted as a natural mechanism that compels individuals to engage in behaviours that may appear irrational, but are in fact driven by the reproductive imperative. If we were to pause and contemplate the implications of procreation, including the long-term commitment involved in raising children and the potential for a lifelong partnership, it is likely that many would reconsider their decision to have children.As Robin Williams astutely observed, "God gave man a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to operate one at a time."

The phenomenon of infatuation, often characterised by a state of euphoria and a profound sense of connection, is a psychological construct designed to temporarily suspend critical faculties, allowing individuals to overlook significant differences and engage in reproductive activities.This phenomenon, however, is transient, and the initial fervour typically dissipates over time. Once this euphoric state abates, it is imperative to ensure that one has committed oneself to a partner with whom there is a genuine connection and mutual enjoyment, lest the relationship becomes tumultuous.

True love, defined as a profound and enduring commitment to another individual, is not contingent upon immediate satisfaction or external validation. It entails a constant dedication to a person who may not consistently bring joy, nor should they be expected to do so, and who will require support and reliance in return.

This form of love is often challenging, primarily because it is frequently characterised by a lack of immediate satisfaction and a tendency to be viewed as unglamorous. It involves tasks such as attending to the personal needs of another individual, which may be disagreeable, and managing the emotional challenges posed by their insecurities and fears, even when these are unwelcome.

Nevertheless, this form of love is characterised by a profound sense of fulfilment and significance. Ultimately, it provides genuine happiness, rather than merely a succession of emotional peaks.

The notion of a perpetual and idealised state of contentment, often referred to as 'Happily Ever After', is not necessarily applicable in this context.Rather, the concept emphasises the importance of recognising the inherent value of each day, marked by the decision to embrace one's partner and life in its entirety, including its challenges and imperfections. The sentiment of being overwhelmed with gratitude on certain days, and of experiencing the profound sense of being the most fortunate individual on others, underscores the variability and complexity of this emotional journey.

—Tara

However, the vast majority of individuals never manage to attain this profound, unconditional love. Instead, they become ensnared in the vicissitudes of romantic love, seeking its fleeting emotional highs. When these feelings wane, so does their commitment.

Some individuals enter into relationships as a means of compensating for deficiencies or aversions they harbour within themselves. This approach often results in a toxic relationship, as it renders love conditional upon external factors such as the enhancement of self-esteem. The give and take within such relationships is characterised by the expectation that one's partner will only be there to make one feel better about oneself, that one will only reciprocate in accordance with the partner's actions, and that one's happiness is contingent upon that of the other.

This conditionality thwarts the establishment of authentic intimacy and renders the relationship contingent on individual internal dynamics.

It is imperative to acknowledge that the most crucial element in a relationship is not communication; rather, it is respect.

The most crucial element in a relationship, as I will demonstrate, is respect. It supersedes sexual attraction, physical appearance, shared objectives, religion, and the absence thereof, as well as love. There may be instances when affection for one's partner is absent, yet respect for them remains steadfast. Once respect is lost, it is irreparable.

—Laura

A review of the numerous responses received indicated a recurring theme: individuals who had experienced divorce consistently identified effective communication as the pivotal element in achieving relationship sustainability. This communication should be characterised by regular and open dialogue, encompassing all aspects of the relationship, including those that may be distressing.

This assertion does possess a degree of validity, a topic which will be addressed in more detail subsequently.

However, a notable observation was that individuals with long-standing, contented marriages frequently cited respect as the paramount element.

It is my hypothesis that, through the accumulation of experience, these individuals have come to recognise that, regardless of the extent of openness, transparency, and discipline in their communication, conflict is inevitable, and that emotional pain is an unavoidable consequence.

The most effective method of mitigating the consequences of human fallibility for both partners is to cultivate an unwavering respect for one another.It is imperative to hold each other in high esteem, to place considerable trust in one another's intentions, and to recognise that your partner is acting in good faith with the resources available to them.

The absence of this fundamental respect can lead to a deterioration in trust and a tendency to question each other's intentions. This can result in an over-evaluation of partner decisions and an infringement on their autonomy, giving rise to a fear of criticism and the concealment of personal matters. It is at this juncture that the cracks in the relationship begin to manifest.

Having been married for 15 years, my husband and I have reflected extensively on the factors underpinning our relationship, particularly in the context of observing the dissolution of marriages around us. The one word that has emerged as a recurring theme in our discussions is "respect". While this term encompasses the act of showing respect, it is merely a superficial aspect. True respect necessitates a deep and intrinsic feeling of respect. The profound respect I have for my husband is rooted in his unwavering work ethic, his patience, his creativity, his intelligence, and his core values.This mutual respect fosters a foundation for trust, patience, and perseverance, particularly in the face of life's challenges. I value his opinions, even if I do not always agree with him, because I deeply respect him as a person. The importance of free time within the context of an otherwise demanding lifestyle is also recognised, as is the value of personal relationships.The significance of mutual respect in fostering a sense of safety in sharing personal and intimate aspects of life with one's partner is paramount.

—Nicole

In addition to respecting one's partner, it is imperative to respect oneself, as one's partner must also respect them. The absence of self-respect can hinder one's ability to receive the respect from their partner, as they may be reluctant to accept it and may resort to undermining it. This can result in a constant need to prove one's worthiness for love, which can be counterproductive.

The concepts of respect for one's partner and self-respect are inextricably linked.As another reader eloquently expressed:

It is imperative to cherish oneself and one's partner, refraining from verbal abuse. The sentiment underscores the notion that self-respect is inextricably linked to the respect one holds for their partner. The choice to cherish and respect one's partner is a fundamental aspect of self-respect, and it is incumbent upon individuals to uphold this commitment.

—Olav

The question therefore arises as to what the expression of respect might actually look like.

Common examples given by many readers include:

NEVER speak disparagingly of your partner to friends or acquaintances.If you have a problem with your partner, address it with them directly, not with others.Disseminating negative information about your partner to others will erode your respect for them and exacerbate your feelings about the relationship.

It is imperative to acknowledge and respect the fact that individuals have different hobbies, interests, and perspectives. Merely because an individual would choose to spend their time and energy differently, it does not inherently signify that their relationship is better or worse.

It is imperative to acknowledge the equal participation and contribution of both individuals within the relationship, emphasising that both parties constitute a unified entity, functioning in a collaborative manner. Dissatisfaction on the part of one individual hinders the collective success of the team.

The principle of transparency is paramount; if both parties are committed to the success of the relationship, then all matters should be subject to open discussion.If either party has a romantic interest in another individual, this should be disclosed. Similarly, if one party has a sexual fantasy that may appear unconventional, it should be communicated openly.Nothing should be considered off-limits.

Fourthly, it is crucial to engage in candid dialogue, particularly regarding issues that cause distress.

It is important to note that discussions pertaining to personal concerns are typically held within the confines of the marital relationship, and not with external parties.It has been observed that numerous acquaintances within the marital context are engaged in relationships that are not fulfilling, and these individuals often seek guidance on how to address these issues. However, it should be noted that external assistance is not always necessary, and these individuals may be better served by addressing these concerns with their spouse.The ability to communicate openly and honestly with one's spouse is a crucial aspect of marital health, and it facilitates the resolution of issues that may arise.

—Ronnie

The maintenance of secrecy, as has been demonstrated, is detrimental to the cohesion of a relationship.

—Tracey

I am inundated with requests for guidance on various aspects of life, with a significant proportion of these requests pertaining to challenges in romantic relationships. (It is noteworthy that these requests, too, exhibit a striking degree of redundancy.)

It was observed that a recurring response was employed in many of these instances, which entailed the recommendation to the individual to print out the email and present it to their partner, following which they were advised to re-engage with the issue.

This approach is predicated on the notion that articulating concerns in a relationship is a crucial component for fostering trust and intimacy. While this may be unpalatable, it is an indispensable step in the process of self-reflection and growth. The act of expressing discomfort in a relationship can be likened to the process of muscle growth, where discomfort leads to enhanced strength. Similarly, vulnerability in a relationship can be a catalyst for its fortification.

Trust, alongside respect, emerged as the trait most frequently identified as crucial for a healthy relationship, with most respondents citing its importance in the context of jealousy and fidelity. This entails the ability to trust one's partner to engage in independent activities, such as social interactions, without experiencing feelings of insecurity or anger.

However, trust encompasses far more than the mere absence of infidelity. When considering the long-term sustainability of a relationship, it becomes imperative to delve into matters of far greater significance.In the event of being confronted with a life-threatening illness, such as cancer, would you repose your trust in your partner to remain by your side and provide you with the requisite care? Would you have faith in their ability to care for your child, either temporarily or indefinitely, in your absence? Can you place your confidence in them to manage your finances or make judicious decisions under duress? Furthermore, it is crucial to assess whether they will not turn on you or blame you when you make mistakes.

These are challenging questions, particularly in the early stages of a relationship, when the intricacies and dynamics of a relationship are still being navigated. It is natural to reflect on whether one can place their trust in a partner, and whether they would be willing to hold on to their commitments and act responsibly.

However, as the depth of commitment increases, the interconnectedness of the partners' lives becomes more pronounced, necessitating a greater reliance on the partner's responsibility and benevolence.

Trust is a fundamental element in any relationship, and its absence can lead to distrust, which can in turn give rise to further distrust.If a partner habitually examines their partner's personal effects, accuses them of misdeeds, and questions their decisions, it is only natural to begin to question their intentions. Such behaviour can give rise to insecure feelings, and the question of whether the partner is concealing something.

The cornerstone of nurturing and sustaining trust within a relationship is for both partners to embody complete transparency and vulnerability.

If either partner is experiencing any issues or concerns, it is essential to communicate these to the other. This approach not only facilitates the resolution of issues as they arise, but also demonstrates to the partner that there is no need to conceal information.

Individuals should be encouraged to disclose their insecurities and the manner in which they address them, as this fosters a deeper understanding between partners and facilitates the identification of their respective compensatory mechanisms.

The importance of making promises and adhering to them cannot be overstated, as this is fundamental to rebuilding trust after it has been breached. The only way to establish a proven track record over time is to own up to previous mistakes and work towards correcting them.

A further essential component of this process is the ability to discern between one's own behaviour and that of one's partner, as well as the ability to recognise when one's own insecurities are at play. This is a challenging process, which may necessitate confrontation. However, it is important to recognise that in many relationship disputes, one individual perceives a behaviour as "normal", while another interprets it as "fucked up". It can be particularly difficult to distinguish between those who are being irrational or insecure and those who are acting reasonably and merely defending their own position. It is imperative to exercise patience in order to accurately discern the nature of each partner's behaviour, and when confronted with one's own significant insecurities, it is essential to be candid about them.

Trust, akin to a china plate, can be irreparably damaged by even a minor fall, necessitating significant effort and care to restore it. Repeated damage, whether from a single incident or multiple occurrences, can further exacerbate the damage, leading to the china plate's fragmentation into innumerable pieces. The restoration process, regardless of the effort and care invested, becomes increasingly challenging with each successive damage event.

A healthy relationship is predicated on the presence of two healthy individuals.

It is imperative to recognise that the responsibility for one's own happiness lies exclusively with oneself, rather than with one's spouse. This does not imply a disregard for the value of mutual endeavours to foster mutual well-being; rather, it underscores the importance of recognising that the primary responsibility for one's own happiness rests with the individual. It is essential to avoid the tendency to place expectations on one's partner as a means of achieving personal happiness. This is not the responsibility of one's partner.Instead, it is crucial to identify as individuals what factors contribute to one's personal sense of well-being, and subsequently, to integrate these elements into the relationship.

—Mandy

The discourse surrounding "sacrifices" in relationships often suggests that one should be willing to make consistent personal sacrifices for the benefit of the relationship and its partner's well-being.

While it is acknowledged that all relationships necessitate a degree of self-sacrifice on the part of both individuals, the issue arises when the satisfaction derived from the relationship becomes entirely dependent on the actions of the other person, resulting in a perpetual state of mutual sacrifice.Upon reflection, the notion of a relationship predicated on such constant and mutual sacrifices appears to be highly unsustainable and is likely to engender detrimental consequences for both parties over time.

Such relationships, characterised by a mutual acceptance of suboptimal behaviour, are often maintained by an implicit agreement to tolerate each other's shortcomings, driven by a fear of solitude. While superficially, this dynamic may appear to align with societal expectations of compromise in relationships, it is important to recognise the underlying resentment that accumulates over time. This resentment effectively enslaves both parties, rendering them emotionally captive to the other, and preventing them from facing and addressing their own personal challenges. It took me a significant period of 14 years to fully comprehend this reality.

—Karen

The cornerstone of a healthy and happy relationship is the presence of two healthy and happy individuals.It is imperative to understand that this implies two people with their own identities, interests, perspectives, and activities that they engage in independently and at their own volition.

Attempting to control one's partner (or relinquishing one's autonomy to them) in the pursuit of their happiness can prove counterproductive, as it engenders the erasure of the individual identities that initially attracted each other and formed the basis of the relationship.

It is important to recognise that individuals have a fundamental right to self-determination and personal autonomy, and attempting to alter their identities is a futile endeavour. The decision to enter into a marital union is a significant one, and it is essential to respect the individual's choice to remain who they are.

—Allison

It is imperative to maintain one's individuality and authenticity in a relationship, as the attempt to alter one's identity can lead to profound unhappiness for both partners. The essence of a relationship is the mutual attraction and compatibility between individuals, and it is essential to respect and value each other's unique identities.

—Dave

However, the question remains: how can this be achieved in practice?The answer to this question is derived from the insights of numerous successful couples who have provided their guidance via email:

6. Allow Each Other Space

It is important to maintain one's own life and interests outside of the relationship, as this can enhance the quality of the relationship itself. Having one's own interests, friends, support network, and hobbies can enrich one's personal life and contribute to a more fulfilling relationship. While it is beneficial to share common interests and activities, it is also important to maintain individuality, as this can foster diversity and growth in the relationship.

—James

A recurrent theme among individuals who have approached the author pertains to the significance of establishing autonomy and maintaining boundaries with one's partner.

The benefits of maintaining distinct financial accounts, credit cards, social circles, and recreational activities were frequently extolled, as were the advantages of taking annual vacations separately. Some individuals even advocated for the allocation of separate living spaces, a recommendation that has been a contentious issue in my own relationship.

This aversion to granting autonomy and independence to one's partner can stem from a lack of trust and/or an insecure attachment style, leading to concerns about losing the partner's affection and commitment.Generally, the more discomfort experienced in relation to one's own self-worth within the relationship, the more likely it is that controlling behaviours will be exhibited.

This tendency to micromanage and exert control over one's partner's behaviour can be seen as a subtle form of disrespect. The inability to trust one's partner to engage in activities such as a golfing trip with colleagues, or to allow one's partner to socialise after work, can be indicative of a lack of respect for their autonomy and self-sufficiency. This behaviour also reflects a lack of self-respect. Furthermore, the belief that a casual social activity such as a drink after work is sufficient to influence a partner's social choices suggests a lack of self-esteem.

If a person is truly in love with their partner, they will accept them as they are. This acceptance includes allowing the partner to socialise with whom they choose, engage in the activities they enjoy, and express their emotions.It is a common source of frustration among women to witness their partners socialising with other individuals, particularly with members of the opposite sex.

—Natalie

It is important to acknowledge that individuals and relationships evolve over time, often in ways that are not anticipated. Embrace this transformation, recognizing that it is a natural part of the relationship's growth.

Over the course of two decades, both partners have undergone significant changes, including shifts in religion, political affiliation, hair colour and style. Despite these transitions, the strength of their relationship has remained unshaken, as evidenced by their constant reassurance to their children regarding their romantic nature. The couple's resilience is attributed to their indifference to external perceptions of their relationship.

—Dotti

A recurrent theme among couples with over 20 years of marriage was the acknowledgement of personal transformations over time and the readiness to embrace these changes.One reader offered a personal anecdote, recounting a remark made by an elderly family member during her wedding. The family member's words, "One day, many years from now, you will wake up and your spouse will be a different person—make sure you fall in love with that person, too," encapsulated the notion that relationships evolve over time and the importance of maintaining a flexible and open-minded approach to relationship dynamics.

This assertion suggests that, in the absence of a fundamental respect for each individual's interests and values that underpins the relationship, and if each individual is not encouraged to foster their own growth and development, the couple may be subject to evolution in unexpected ways over time.The onus, therefore, falls on the couple to ensure effective communication, thereby maintaining awareness of changes in their partner and demonstrating consistent acceptance and respect for these changes as they occur.

It is important to note that the changes under discussion are not minor, but rather significant life changes. It is essential to acknowledge that if a couple is to spend decades in a relationship, significant challenges will be encountered. The major life changes that people have reported in relation to their marriages, which have been shown to result in the dissolution of the marriage, include: changing religions; moving countries; the death of family members (including children); supporting elderly family members; changing political beliefs; and even changing sexual orientation. In a couple of cases, there has been a realignment of gender identification.

Remarkably, the survival of these unions was attributed to the mutual respect and understanding between partners, enabling each individual to thrive and evolve.

It is important to acknowledge that commitment entails an element of uncertainty, as one cannot predict the future development of a relationship, including its longevity and the eventual evolution of personal identities. This commitment necessitates a willingness to embrace the unknown, to be prepared for the unexpected shifts in personal identities, and to maintain an authentic admiration for one's partner, irrespective of the superficial or otherwise characteristics that may change over time.

Michael

Accommodating this extent of transformation is naturally challenging; indeed, it can prove utterly demoralising at times. Consequently, it is imperative for both individuals to be proficient in the art of combat.

8. Develop proficiency in the art of conflict resolution.

The relationship is a dynamic entity that requires constant attention and effort to thrive. Much like the body and its muscles, it cannot be strengthened without stress and challenge, which necessitates conflict resolution and the process of coming to terms with differing perspectives. Obstacles are inherent to any relationship, and it is essential to navigate these challenges effectively to maintain a healthy and lasting marriage.

—Ryan

John Gottman, a prominent psychologist and researcher, has dedicated over 30 years of his career to studying married couples, with a focus on identifying the factors that contribute to their long-term relationship dynamics. He has achieved significant prominence in the field of marital research, particularly in the area of understanding the factors that facilitate relationship longevity.

Gottman's methodology involves the observation of married couples in a controlled setting, often with the use of cameras, and the subsequent analysis of their interactions, particularly conflict.It is noteworthy that Gottman does not encourage the expression of praise or the discussion of positive attributes of the relationship; rather, he prompts couples to address and discuss issues that are causing discord.

Following this interaction, Gottman conducts a detailed analysis of the interaction, which includes a thorough evaluation of the interaction's content and dynamics. This analysis enables Gottman to predict with a remarkable degree of accuracy whether the couple will ultimately divorce.

A notable aspect of Gottman's research is that the factors leading to divorce are not necessarily what one might expect. Gottman's observations reveal that successful couples, just like unsuccessful couples, engage in consistent conflict, and at times, this conflict can be intense.

Gottman has identified four characteristics that are associated with the dissolution of relationships. He has termed these the "four horsemen" of the relationship apocalypse, as outlined in his literary works.

The first of these is the tendency to criticize one's partner's character, for example by saying "you're so stupid" rather than "that thing you did was stupid."

Defensiveness (or, more accurately, blame attribution, e.g., "I wouldn't have done that if you weren't late all the time.")

Contempt is characterised by the act of belittling and making one feel inferior.

Stonewalling (withdrawing from an argument and ignoring your partner.)

The reader emails also highlighted the significance of effectively managing conflict, with almost all of the 1,500 emails received emphasising the importance of resolving disagreements constructively.

The advice provided by readers included the following:

The most prevalent piece of advice was to refrain from insulting or using derogatory names and to adopt the principle of "hating the sin, but loving the sinner."Research by Gottman identified "contempt," defined as belittling and demeaning a partner, as the primary predictor of divorce.

It is imperative to refrain from bringing up past disagreements into ongoing ones, as this exacerbates tensions and hinders the resolution of present conflicts.For instance, if a partner neglects to purchase groceries on the way home, it is counterproductive to bring up past rudeness towards one's mother, as this diverts attention from the present and exacerbates existing hostilities.

In the event of emotional escalation, it is advisable to take a brief respite from the situation, and return once the emotions have been sufficiently allayed.This strategy is of particular personal significance to me. In instances where interactions with my spouse become particularly intense, I tend to feel overwhelmed, prompting me to exit the situation. I then walk around the block for a period of 2-3 times, allowing myself to process the emotions.Subsequent to this, I return to the situation with a more composed demeanor, and the discussion can be resumed with a more conciliatory tone.

It is imperative to recognise that achieving a state of agreement is less significant than ensuring that both parties feel acknowledged and listened to. One may indeed be correct in their assertions; however, if such correctness engenders a sense of neglect in one's partner, the outcome is ultimately detrimental to both individuals.

It is also important to acknowledge the willingness to engage in conflict.

When discourse focuses on the importance of effective communication, this implies a willingness to engage in challenging conversations, to engage in conflict, and to articulate negative sentiments openly.

This was a recurring theme among the divorced respondents, with numerous individuals sharing analogous distressing experiences.

However, it is crucial to recognise that the responsibility for the dissolution of the marriage does not lie exclusively with the wife.There were numerous occasions on which I became aware of significant warning signs, yet I chose to ignore them. Instead of addressing the underlying issues, I merely attempted to remedy the immediate situation by purchasing additional floral arrangements, confectionary, or undertaking domestic tasks.I adhered to the conventional archetype of a "good" husband. However, this was not accompanied by the requisite attentiveness to the pertinent issues. Rather than addressing the signals, the individual in question elected to disregard them.

—Jim

9. Achieve proficiency in forgiveness

In the event that an individual's assertions prove to be accurate, it is advisable to refrain from expressing one's opinions. This can be achieved by maintaining silence, as it is possible to be correct and yet remain silent. The partner will already be aware of the accuracy of the assertion and will feel appreciated for the fact that it was not used in an aggressive or manipulative manner.

—Brian

Within the context of marriage, it is important to recognise that achieving victory in an argument is not possible.

—Bill

A notable finding from Gottman's research is that most successful couples do not resolve all their issues. Contrary to popular belief, his findings indicate that couples in lasting and happy relationships often have unresolved problems, while those who feel compelled to agree and compromise on all issues are more likely to experience dissatisfaction and relationship dissolution.

This highlights the importance of respect, particularly in the context of differing values and perspectives, which are inevitable in any relationship. The crux of the matter lies not in attempting to alter the other person, for such a desire is inherently disrespectful to both the individual concerned and oneself. Instead, the focus should be on acknowledging the differences, loving one another despite them, and, when circumstances become challenging, forgiving each other.

While the notion of compromise is often emphasised, this perspective does not align with that of my husband and me. We prioritise the pursuit of understanding over compromise, as it is a process that leaves both parties unsatisfied, resulting in the loss of individual identity in the pursuit of agreement.Conversely, the refusal to compromise can also be detrimental, as it transforms the relationship into a competitive dynamic where the focus is on one partner "winning" and the other "losing". These approaches, predicated on an outcome-based paradigm, neglect the importance of a process-based understanding.When the objective is to comprehend the nuances of one's partner's perspective, seeking a profound level of understanding, a process-oriented approach becomes essential. This process facilitates the navigation of conflict by providing a contextual framework, thereby enhancing mutual understanding.

—Michelle

The crux of this argument is that the key to happiness does not lie in the fulfilment of ambitious aspirations or the experience of momentary euphoria, but rather in the ability to endure the struggles and challenges that one finds fulfilling.

This notion is similarly applicable to the context of relationships. The ideal partner, therefore, is not one devoid of problems, but one with problems that one finds fulfilling in the sense of being able to deal with them.

The question therefore arises as to how one might develop a proficiency in forgiveness, and what this in fact signifies.The following are the responses of readers to this issue:

When an argument is over, it is over.Some couples have adopted this as the golden rule in their relationship, emphasising that once an argument is resolved, the question of who was right or wrong becomes irrelevant, as does the matter of whether one party was mean and the other was nice. It is important for both parties to agree to put a definitive end to the argument, and not to reopen it in future.

There is no need to keep score, nor any expectation of one partner "winning" or the other "losing". This approach precludes the use of statements such as "I'm owed this because you messed up the laundry last week" or "I'm always right about financial matters, so you should listen to me". Similarly, there is no need to balance the scales of fairness, such as with the expectation of reciprocity for the gifts one has received. All actions and sentiments within the relationship should be given and expressed unconditionally, that is to say, without the expectation of recompense or the exploitation of emotional vulnerabilities.

In the event of an error on the part of a partner, it is essential to distinguish between intentions and behaviour. It is important to acknowledge the positive attributes of the partner and to recognise that errors may be made due to a lack of awareness. This does not indicate inherent malevolence on the part of the partner, nor is it a deliberate attempt to cause harm or to secure a divorce. The individual in question is, by definition, a person of good character, and this is the foundation of the relationship.Should the faith in their goodness ever be eroded, it will inevitably lead to a corresponding erosion of faith in oneself.

Finally, it is advisable to exercise discernment in determining which disputes to engage in, ensuring that your reserves of commitment are reserved for the matters that are of true significance.

Having been happily married for over 40 years, the following advice is offered: it is important to be discerning about which issues are pursued, as certain matters carry sufficient weight to provoke upset, while others do not. It is a common error to engage in argumentation over minor issues, as this can lead to perpetual conflict. Such disputes, though seemingly trivial, can have a cumulative effect over time, akin to the method of Chinese water torture, which, while minor in the short term, can erode morale over an extended period. It is, therefore, advisable to consider whether an issue is of significant or minor importance. The question must be posed: is it worth the cost of arguing?

—Fred

10. The Adage that "The Little Things Add Up to Big Things" is Not Without Foundation

It is important to allocate time for activities such as lunch, walks, and dinner and cinema outings on a regular basis. Failure to do so can result in a lack of personal connection, which can have negative consequences. It is important to recognise that life's challenges can lead to changes in relationships, such as the growth of children, the departure of a sibling-in-law, and the passing of parents. In such situations, it is essential to consider the impact on personal relationships. The importance of maintaining connections with others throughout life cannot be overstated. The passage of time, marked by events such as the growth of children, the departure of a sibling-in-law for a religious community, and the passing of parents, can lead to the dissolution of relationships. However, it is essential to recognise that these bonds can be re-established through proactive efforts to maintain communication. The consequence of neglecting these connections is the potential for a future characterised by estrangement and a sense of alienation from one's former social circle.

—Brian

A substantial proportion of the responses received emphasised the importance of maintaining the seemingly minor daily habits that accumulate to significant effect over time.

These include expressions of affection such as saying "I love you" before bed, holding hands during a film, performing small acts of kindness, and assisting with domestic tasks. Even seemingly minor actions such as cleaning up after an accidental urination on a toilet seat (a suggestion made by one individual) can accumulate and significantly impact a relationship over time.

Fred, a married man with over 40 years of marriage behind him, attests to the fact that quarrels over seemingly trivial matters can exert a continuous and cumulative effect on a relationship, likening it to the methodical and unrelenting nature of Chinese water torture. Consequently, it is imperative to recognise the significance of small gestures of affection and displays of kindness, which, when accumulated over time, can significantly contribute to the longevity and vitality of a relationship.

This becomes particularly salient in the context of parenthood.The predominant message received regarding children was the prioritisation of marriage.

In our culture, children are often idolised, with parents expected to make significant sacrifices for them. However, research suggests that the most effective way to raise healthy and happy children is to maintain a healthy and happy marriage. It is important to recognise that having good children does not necessarily guarantee a good marriage, and a good marriage does not necessarily guarantee good children. Therefore, it is essential to prioritise your marriage.

Susan

This assertion is supported by numerous sources offering relationship advice from individuals with familial experience.

Readers emphasised the importance of maintaining regular "date nights," planning weekend excursions, and allocating time for physical intimacy, even when circumstances are challenging, such as fatigue, stress, or competing responsibilities. They underscored the value of making time for each other, emphasising the benefits of maintaining a healthy marital relationship.

The importance of establishing practical guidelines and relationship rules is emphasised.

The distribution of domestic labour is an inevitable aspect of long-term relationships, and it is important to recognise that a 50/50 division of housework is an unrealistic expectation. This includes activities such as cleaning, child rearing, vacation planning, emptying the dishwasher, purchasing gifts, and meal preparation. The sooner this is accepted, the more harmonious relationships will be. It is important to acknowledge that individuals have preferences and abilities in different areas, and this should be recognised as a foundation for a healthy relationship. Engaging in dialogue with one's partner regarding these matters is pivotal in the context of effective allocation of domestic responsibilities.

—Liz

The prevailing societal conception of a relationship is that of a symmetrical partnership, wherein both individuals share responsibilities, maintain a balanced schedule, pursue enriching activities independently, and subsequently share the outcomes of these endeavours. This idealised model, however, rarely reflects the actual dynamics of relationships, which are often characterised by conflict and miscommunication.

However, the reality of relationships is often far from ideal, characterised by chaos, stress, and frequent miscommunication, leading to a sense of being lost in a perpetual state of communication failure.

The inherent imperfection and messiness of human nature is a fundamental aspect of relationships, stemming from the diverse and often conflicting desires and needs of partners.

A recurrent theme in the literature on the logistics of relationship management is the importance of pragmatism.For instance, if the wife is a lawyer with a standard working week of 50 hours and the husband is an artist with a flexible working pattern, it is more logical for the husband to assume responsibility for the majority of day-to-day parenting duties. In instances where the standard of domestic cleanliness exhibited by one partner significantly deviates from that of their counterpart, resulting in stark contrasts in the perceived state of the household environment, it becomes rational for the partner with the higher level of cleanliness to assume a greater share of domestic cleaning responsibilities.

This phenomenon, often termed 'division of labour', is a fundamental economic principle that ensures optimal efficiency and convenience for all parties involved.It is therefore recommended that individuals identify their respective strengths and preferences, and subsequently allocate tasks accordingly.For instance, in a given household, one partner may possess a natural affinity for cleaning, while the other may have a aversion to odours. This division of labour ensures that tasks such as washing dishes and removing refuse are efficiently executed, leading to enhanced domestic harmony. The author's personal preferences are indicated by the statement "I don't give a fuck – I'll eat off the same plate seven times in a row, and I couldn't smell a dead rat even if it was sleeping under my pillow".

Furthermore, many couples recommended the establishment of a set of guidelines for the relationship as a whole. These guidelines pertained to financial matters, including the division of debt and spending responsibilities, as well as major purchases, vacation decisions, and trust dynamics.

It is acknowledged that this may not be perceived as a particularly appealing or fashionable subject matter; however, its importance should not be underestimated. When two individuals choose to share their lives, it is essential that they engage in constructive dialogue to address financial matters, including budgetary allocations, debt management, and the allocation of financial resources. The deliberative process regarding purchases, whether to be made jointly or separately, is equally important. The decision-making process regarding vacations and other significant purchases necessitates the establishment of clear guidelines. While this may not be perceived as an engaging or popular subject, it is a fundamental aspect of responsible adulthood.

One participant reported that she and her husband engage in "annual reviews" on an annual basis, and she immediately dissuaded me from laughing when she revealed the nature of these reviews, which entail a comprehensive discussion of domestic matters and plans for the subsequent year. Despite the apparent triviality of such practices, they serve to maintain a sense of connection between the couple. This constant awareness of each other's needs fosters a sense of shared growth, rather than divergence.

12. Learn to Ride the Waves

Drawing from the perspective of a married individual with a duration of 44 years of matrimony and a family of 4 children and 6 grandchildren, it can be posited that the most significant lesson learned is the perpetual flux of affection. The sentiment of love experienced towards one's partner is subject to constant fluctuation, ranging from periods of profound love and contentment to those of disengagement. The range of emotional experiences encompasses moments of shared mirth, followed by periods of intense discord. This phenomenon can be likened to that of a rollercoaster, with constant ups and downs in the relationship. However, with time and commitment, the challenges become less intense, and the moments of connection become more profound and fulfilling.It is important to recognise that even if a sense of love and connection appears to have waned, this can evolve over time. Many individuals may prematurely abandon their efforts, but those who are willing to invest in their relationship may find a renewed sense of intimacy and mutual understanding. This approach has been found to have a significant impact on the relationship.

—Chris

Amongst the numerous emails received, one particular correspondence proved to be particularly noteworthy. A nurse, who had formerly worked with a significant number of geriatric patients, penned a message in which she discussed the dynamics of relationships, particularly in the context of marriage. She cited an anecdote from a conversation she had had with a man in his late eighties, who had remarked that relationships can be likened to waves, and that it is essential for individuals to learn how to navigate these fluctuations. The gentleman in question then went on to liken the vicissitudes of romantic relationships to the ever-changing tides of the ocean, suggesting that just as waves come and go, so too do the emotional highs and lows that are characteristic of any relationship. He further posited that these waves, which can span hours, months, or even years, are largely independent of the quality of the relationship itself. They can be triggered by events such as job loss, bereavement, relocation, career shifts, financial ups and downs, and so on. The obligation of a committed partner, therefore, is to ride out these vicissitudes with their significant other, irrespective of their direction.In the final analysis, these waves are transient, and the enduring element of a relationship is the bond between the two people.

Two years ago, I began to experience a sense of resentment towards my wife, for a variety of reasons. I felt as if we were merely going through the motions of co-existing and co-parenting, without developing a genuine connection.The relationship deteriorated to the point that I considered separation; however, upon deeper reflection, I could not identify a single issue that would constitute a deal breaker.I recognised her as an exceptional person, mother, and friend. The subject also reports having to suppress their feelings and hold on to the hope that the unwellness would pass as suddenly as it had arrived.Fortunately, this was the case, and the subject reports loving their partner more than ever.The final piece of advice offered is to be willing to believe in your partner, especially if you have been happy together for a long period. This is because there will be good reasons why you have been happy, and you should be patient and focus on the many positive qualities that your partner still has that caused you to fall in love with them in the first place.

—Kevin

I would like to express my gratitude to all those who took the time to compose and submit responses.As always, it was humbling to see the wisdom and life experience reflected in the submissions. There were numerous excellent responses, filled with kind, heartfelt advice. It was challenging to select the ones that have been included here, and in many cases, I could have chosen a dozen different quotes that said almost the exact same thing.

The phenomenon of such exercises is nothing short of astonishing, given that when one requests guidance from a multitude of individuals on a particular subject, one anticipates a vast array of responses. However, in my previous experience of conducting a similar exercise on a different topic, I observed that the majority of the responses exhibited a significant degree of overlap. This phenomenon serves to underscore the profound similarities that we share as a collective, and it serves as a poignant reminder that, irrespective of the challenges we may face, we are never truly alone.

To conclude, I would summarise the aforementioned advice in a concise manner. However, I believe a reader named Margo has articulated this sentiment more eloquently:

The crux of the advice is that it is possible to work through anything as long as the self and others are not destroyed in the process. This destruction may take the form of emotional, physical, financial or spiritual damage. It is important to make nothing off-limits to discussion and to recognise the value of each individual. The author goes on to state that no one should be ashamed or mocked for the things they do that make them happy. It is also recommended that a love letter be written to one's partner on an annual basis (or more often) on the anniversary of the relationship.

The arrival of children should not lead to an obsessive focus on them, as this may hinder the nurturing of the love that produced them. It is essential to maintain a strong and vibrant love for one's spouse, as this is the foundation for providing unconditional love to one's children.

Each individual will continue to evolve, and both partners must be willing to embrace this growth, recognising that the other is not responsible for maintaining the relationship. It is essential for both partners to assume responsibility for the well-being of the relationship, working collaboratively to ensure its growth and sustainability.

Domestic responsibilities, such as cleaning the house, preparing meals, and maintaining the home, are to be approached with enthusiasm. These tasks, though essential, should be executed in a positive and collaborative manner.

It is imperative to refrain from expressing discontent to others regarding one's partner. Instead, extend unconditional love and demonstrate affection regularly, irrespective of personal inclinations. Foster trust and confidence in one another, offering unwavering support and maintaining transparency. Avoid concealing information and be proud of each other's achievements. While maintaining independent lives, engage in open communication to nurture a shared sense of connection. Pamper and cherish each other.

It is recommended that the couple seek professional counselling as soon as possible, ensuring openness to collaborative efforts to enhance their relationship.Disagreements regarding personal feelings should be addressed with respect, and both parties should be receptive to personal growth and acceptance of individual differences.

Written by Mark Manson

The Significance of Romantic Partnerships

Love is considered to be one of the most profound emotions experienced by human beings, and there are many kinds of love. However, many people seek its expression in a romantic relationship with a compatible partner (or partners). For these individuals, romantic relationships comprise one of the most meaningful aspects of life and are a source of deep fulfilment.

While the need for human connection appears to be innate, the ability to form healthy, loving relationships is learned.Some evidence suggests that the ability to form a stable relationship starts to form in infancy, in a child's earliest experiences with a caregiver who reliably meets the infant's needs for food, care, warmth, protection, stimulation, and social contact.Such relationships are not predestined, but they are theorized to establish deeply ingrained patterns of relating to others. The termination of such relationships, however, has been demonstrated to be a significant source of psychological distress.

How to Build a Healthy Relationship

The maintenance of a strong relationship is contingent on constant care and communication, with certain traits having been shown to be especially important for fostering healthy relationships. Firstly, each individual should feel confident that their partner is willing to devote time and attention to them. Secondly, both partners must be committed to accommodating their differences, even as those change over time.

In the 21st century, good relationships are characterised by emotional and physical fairness, particularly in the distribution of domestic responsibilities. Partners in strong relationships also express gratitude for one another, openly provide and receive affection, and engage in honest discussions about sex.

The concept of affording one's partner the benefit of the doubt, which fosters a sense of unity and shared purpose, is pivotal in the maintenance of positive relationships. This sense of unity, nurtured over time, has been shown to facilitate the navigation of challenges that arise in the course of a relationship.

Further insights into this phenomenon can be found in the following publications: Maintaining a Relationship and Love and Sex.

The process of identifying a suitable partner with whom to share a life is both rewarding and frequently challenging, whether conducted online or in-person. It often involves venturing into unfamiliar environments to encounter potential partners, necessitating the ability to step outside one's comfort zone.

The discernment of whether an individual constitutes a suitable partner, and the differentiation between a fleeting infatuation and authentic love, poses a considerable challenge. Nonetheless, research posits the existence of discernible indicators in an individual's behaviour.

One such potentially counterintuitive indicator of a potential match is an individual's sense of self. A person who would make a good partner may encourage an individual to explore new activities or beliefs that expand their own self-concept.Another early signifier may be stress: repeatedly interacting with someone whose opinion matters deeply to us can fuel anxiety.Other positive indicators include being highly motivated to see the person and investing a significant amount of time, emotion, and energy into the budding relationship.

Further insights can be gleaned from the seminal work How People Find Love.

How Relationships Fail

It is evident that every relationship necessitates a leap of faith on the part of at least one partner, and even within the most contented couples, the very qualities that initially attracted them to each other can, over time, evolve into irritations that ultimately drive them apart.The acquisition of the skills required to ensure the longevity of a relationship is a challenging endeavour, and potential threats may emerge without warning. In brief, casual relationships, neither partner may perceive a viable long-term future, yet frequently only one takes action, in some cases by disappearing without communication.

For some couples, infidelity represents the final straw, while a significant number of relationships endure betrayal, only to have their connection subsequently undermined by day-to-day challenges such as a diminution of physical intimacy, or a waning of positive feelings in the aftermath of constant criticism, contempt, or defensiveness.Even when couples remain together for extended periods, such as decades, this does not guarantee their continued connection; the divorce rate for couples over 50 has increased twofold since 1990.

The impact of infidelity can vary significantly, with some individuals experiencing a sense of immediate liberation, while others may encounter prolonged emotional distress, even years after the dissolution of a relationship. Regardless of the circumstances, the dissolution of a relationship can be a significant source of stress, potentially leading to emotional trauma and detrimental effects on an individual's ego and self-esteem.

The Significance of Friendships in Life

The following discussion will explore the question of how to sustain friendships throughout one's life, and will firstly argue for the importance of recognizing the significance of such relationships.

Researchers and philosophers have explored the emotional complexities of love and family in great detail, yet they have devoted comparatively less attention to the profound sense of contentment derived from a close friendship.

A similar phenomenon occurs in our own lives, as articulated by science journalist Lydia Denworth. When considering the demands on our time and energy, our friendships frequently become secondary to our familial and professional obligations, or even to our recent romantic relationships.

However, she contends in her recent book, Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life's Fundamental Bond, that this is an erroneous perspective.Indeed, research suggests that friendships can facilitate purpose and meaning, promote wellbeing, and contribute to longevity.The intimacy, support, equality, and emotional bonds characteristic of friendships are unparalleled.

The book pays tribute to the relationships cultivated through shared experiences, emotional support, and the unconditional kindness that does not require reciprocity. As Newman asserts, "The scientific study of friendship validates the value of social interaction with friends and does not equate it with indulgence."In a discourse with Greater Good, Newman elucidates the necessity of friendship and provides strategies for nurturing strong friendships, even in the context of a pandemic.

Kira Newman: How do friendships change over the course of a person's life? 


Denworth: In early childhood, the primary social relationship is with parents or caregivers; however, upon entering school, children begin to develop deeper friendships characterised by shared activities, eventually leading to a more profound emotional connection. During adolescence, the nature of friendship becomes increasingly abstract and relational.

During high school and college, the environment is conducive to forging numerous friendships with peers of the same age, thereby creating a vast pool of potential acquaintances. Additionally, during adolescence, the brain is particularly attuned to social signals and connections, leading to an increased interest in social activities.


However, as individuals transition into adulthood and begin to engage in professional and familial responsibilities, the capacity to allocate time for social interactions may diminish.Conversely, towards the conclusion of life, individuals often find themselves with greater availability due to the cessation of demanding professional commitments and the establishment of a more stable post-retirement routine.


These transitional periods in life present challenges and opportunities for maintaining friendships. It is crucial to recognise that friendship is a lifelong endeavour that merits consistent attention and engagement.A common misconception, particularly among individuals in their 30s and 40s, is the belief that there is no available time for friends. This perception, however, is a fallacy.

Attaining the age of 65 and subsequently realising the need to prioritise friendships can be likened to the process of quitting smoking at that same age.If an individual has been smoking from the age of 15 to 65, it is still preferable to have ceased by that point, albeit with the understanding that some degree of damage may have already been inflicted. A similar principle applies if one fails to allocate sufficient attention to friends throughout their life.

KN: In your book, you observe a tendency to neglect friendships when individuals become preoccupied with other relationships. Could you elaborate on this observation?

LD: The rationale behind this tendency is that individuals often feel a stronger sense of obligation to their immediate family members, given the legal and biological connections inherent in these relationships. While I do not advocate for a complete disregard of family time, it is important to recognise the tendency to perceive friendships as a more indulgent activity.

The contention here is that the value of a close friendship is comparable to that of a balanced diet and regular exercise, in that they are all essential components of a healthy lifestyle. Therefore, it is not an indulgence to prioritise these relationships. However, it is important to recognise that the act of cancelling on friends or neglecting to engage with them regularly is not a sign of being a good friend or maintaining a strong relationship. It is essential to recognise the value of your friends in the long term. However, it is essential to recognise that cultivating and maintaining such relationships necessitates dedicated effort. While the process may be time-consuming, it is also a source of personal growth and enjoyment.

However, it is important to acknowledge the natural ebb and flow of friendships throughout one's lifetime, which is a normal aspect of human relationships. While friendship is often considered a long-term commitment, it is not uncommon to experience a cycle of new friendships as one progresses through life. Consequently, the notion that one can exclusively maintain friendships with individuals from one's youth is a fallacy. Numerous individuals forge friendships in adulthood, which often evolve into more intimate relationships.

However, if a relationship is not conducive to one's well-being, whether due to its negative impact, its imbalance, or its tendency to create a sense of obligation, it is advisable to consider the option of disengagement. It is important to recognise that it is acceptable to disengage from friendships that are not beneficial to one's personal growth and development.




This perspective stands in contrast to the numerous advantages associated with strong friendships, including the potential for emotional and psychological growth. 


LD: In a manner analogous to the salubrious effects of a robust relationship, a negative relationship is deleterious to one's well-being, and even an ambivalent relationship has been demonstrated to be biologically detrimental.

Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life's Fundamental Bond

An ambivalent relationship is defined as a relationship characterised by positive and negative feelings towards the person or the quality of the interaction. It is noteworthy that this ambivalence is prevalent in many relationships, with approximately half of them exhibiting such characteristics. 


Researchers utilised a scale ranging from one to five, with one representing the most positive feelings and five representing the most negative feelings. Individuals who scored two or above on both dimensions were categorised as ambivalent, which is a relatively broad classification.For instance, a score of five on the positive scale could be accompanied by a score of two on the negative scale.Notably, relationships classified as ambivalent appeared to be associated with an increased risk of cardiovascular health concerns and other health complications. 


While it is not unexpected that a toxic relationship would have a negative impact on one's health, the prevalence of ambivalent relationships, which many individuals experience, is a more noteworthy observation. It is presumed that the positive aspects of a relationship typically outweigh the negative ones. However, the current research, in its infancy, suggests otherwise.

This underscores the significance of nurturing relationships, including friendships, and the potential value of a positive friendship.

In the event that a friendship is not proceeding in a positive manner, there are a number of courses of action one can pursue. Firstly, one may wish to attempt to improve the situation, engaging in a candid dialogue with the other party. Secondly, one may elect to terminate the friendship and declare, "I am no longer willing to countenance this individual in my life." However, this course of action can be a highly dramatic one. Alternatively, one may choose to marginalise this friend, thereby gradually distancing oneself from their social circle. It is acknowledged that this may not be a person with whom regular contact can be easily maintained; however, if the emotional reliance on them is to be terminated, this course of action is to be recommended. 


KN: Could you propose any practices or steps that you undertake in your own life to allocate more time and energy to friendship? 


LD: The foundation for nurturing friendships lies in cultivating attention and establishing priorities. I endeavour to schedule regular get-togethers with my closest friends and those with whom I share a strong bond. Despite our hectic schedules, I prioritise making plans and ensuring my attendance, as I believe this is a pivotal aspect of friendship. 


In instances where physical proximity is challenging, such as during periods of travel or busy schedules, the importance of communication via phone or video calls becomes evident. Such interactions allow for the maintenance of personal relationships and the sharing of life updates, which contributes to a sense of connection and mutual support.


Furthermore, it is noteworthy to acknowledge the scientific contributions to our understanding of a relationship. According to the findings, a relationship is deemed to be of quality if it meets three fundamental criteria: stability, longevity, positivity, and cooperation, characterised by mutual support, reciprocity, and the presence of a reliable network of individuals. 


When interacting with friends, it is important to consider one's own contributions to the relationship. Have there been opportunities to be helpful or express appreciation recently? When was the last time a kind word or action was demonstrated?Friendship is a reliable presence in one's life, and it is essential to reflect on how interactions with friends align with these qualities.

This principle extends to online interactions, where positivity, helpfulness, and presence – whether through text, jokes, articles, or calls – are crucial.In light of recent stress and anxiety, it is essential to be available as a supportive and attentive presence, even in virtual spaces. 


KN: In light of the current global pandemic, many individuals have been separated from their social circles for extended periods. What are the implications of this social isolation on our well-being? 


LD: The experience of being in the presence of friends is characterised by a depth and richness that engages all of the senses. The absence of physical contact and the inability to read body language that is present when communicating via screen versus in person results in a noticeable discrepancy in the quality of the experience. While the precise neuroscientific underpinnings of these differences remain to be fully elucidated, it is evident that the absence of tactile interaction has a significant impact on the quality of the experience. 


One of the automatic functions of the human brain when engaging in an in-person conversation is the natural sense of "call and response", whereby one person initiates a verbal exchange, followed by a response from the other person, and so on. This facilitates a process of reading each other's cues, thereby enhancing the ease of interaction.

Conversely, online interactions are often perceived as less natural due to the presence of technological lag, which can be disconcerting for our cognitive processes. Our brains are adept at discerning these differences in interaction style, and they tend to find them uncongenial. This may, in part, explain the challenges some individuals experience when engaging in virtual interactions. Furthermore, the absence of non-verbal cues in virtual interactions can exacerbate difficulties in discerning who will speak next in a group conversation, which is more readily managed through such cues in person. 


In-person interactions are characterised by a natural flow of conversation, an ease of communication, and a sense of warmth and familiarity. The absence of physical contact, such as hugs and high-fives, is particularly pronounced, and the loss of these non-verbal cues significantly impacts the quality of interaction.

Despite this, numerous individuals have reported a plethora of positive experiences, even in the absence of physical interaction. The advent of virtual interaction has proven to be advantageous, offering benefits that, while not equivalent to in-person interactions, are nevertheless significant. Technology, despite its limitations, has emerged as a crucial lifeline during this period. It is difficult to fathom the nature of this experience in the absence of technological assistance. 


KN: What are you most hoping people will take away from the book?

LD: It is my hope that readers will recognise the significance of friendship and prioritise it in their lives. I believe that this book will encourage individuals to reflect on the importance of being a good friend and to emulate this quality in their own lives. Parents often focus on the importance of achievement, yet they do not devote as much attention to the cultivation of friendship skills. However, I believe that friendship skills are among the most crucial competencies that children can develop. The significance of friendship has often been overlooked in the pursuit of academic and professional accomplishments.